A miscarriage can be a very emotional experience and it can be difficult to know what to say or do for someone going through it. Sometimes the best support after miscarriage is just showing up, listening without judgement and letting the person grieve in his or her own way.
There is no one “right” way to support someone who is grieving a pregnancy loss, because no one grieves the same way. Here are some practical ways to help.
Be present and listen
One of the best things you can do is to listen. Let the person talk about what happened, how they feel or what they need without trying to immediately provide solutions.
You can say easy things like,
- “I’ve got your back.”
- “Sorry you are going through this.
- “You don’t have to do this by yourself.”
- “Take your time.”
You don’t need to find the right words. Real compassion is more important than getting everything right.
Do Not Minimise Their Losses
There are things you may say when you are trying to help someone who is grieving that can actually serve to dismiss the grief. Don’t say things like “It was meant to be” or “You can always try again” or “At least it happened early”.
Instead, recognise that the loss is big and allow them to share their feelings.
Provide Practical Help
Grief can make it hard to deal with everyday responsibilities. Practical support in the aftermath of miscarriage can be huge.
Think about offering to:
- Bring or prepare food
- Assistance with household chores
- Shopping for groceries
If they ask you to go with them to appointments
Help care for other children
Sit with them, simply sit
Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something concrete. For instance, ask if you can bring dinner over or help with errands.
Recommended Reading
Morning anxiety: Causes and Prevention
Tips for Coping with the Challenges of Long-Distance Relationship
Dealing with Offenses: The Trap of Unforgiveness
Respect Their Grieving Process
Nobody can tell you how long you will grieve after a miscarriage. Some may want to chat a lot, some may want to be quiet and private.
Respect their wishes, and don’t push them to “move on.” Remember that emotional healing can take longer than physical healing.
Regularly Check-Ins
Support shouldn’t disappear after a couple of days. A message or phone call weeks later that shows you care can remind a person that they are still on your mind.
You could just ask, “How are you doing today?” and let them be honest with you.
Be aware of pregnancy announcements, baby showers, and other conversations that might be emotionally challenging for you. Ask what support would feel most comfortable
Seek professional help when you need it: Some people may benefit from talking to a doctor, counsellor, therapist, or pregnancy loss support group. If your grief is overwhelming or still interferes greatly with your daily life, urge professional help.
Don’t pressure them. Let them decide when and what kind of additional support makes sense.
Support Your Partner Too
Miscarriage affects partners and family members in different ways. A partner may also be mourning while trying to support the person who experienced the pregnancy loss.
Checking in with both people can ensure that everyone has the opportunity to get support.
Conclusion
You do not need to know all the answers to give support after miscarriage. Listening, validating the loss, offering practical help, respecting their feelings and providing follow-up can be meaningful comfort.
Most importantly, let them know that they don’t have to go through the experience alone. A little patience, compassion and understanding goes a long way in the recovery process.