A sexless marriage is a marital togetherness without enough sexual or romantic activities between the two parties involved. Many times it is a term used to describe marriages having less than ten sexual intercourse in one calendar year. In this article I will be discussing causes of sexless marriage, effects of sexless marriage, when to walk away from sexless marriage and how to cope with sexless marriage among many other issues
What are the causes of marriages without sex?
Sexless marriages may form over time due to a variety of factors. According to psychotherapist Tina Tessina, “the most popular reasons of sexless relationships are that one partner’s feelings were hurt or they were turned down too frequently; one partner is too distracted or neglectful; or one or both partners had a communication issue.” According to clinical sexologist Judith Steinhart, “marriage problems such as a sense of confidence, fear, misunderstandings, and child pressure may all impair a couple’s sexual habits.”
Nature of Work: Certain partners can have sexless marriages due to their divergent work arrangements or hectic lifestyles. Couples with children, especially those with small children, can experience stress and fatigue as a result of the demands of childbearing and child rearing. Exhaustion or nausea may also be caused by some conditions, like chronic fatigue syndrome.
Adultery: Adultery can result in a sexless marriage in two ways: it can cause the couple having the affair to lose romantic interest in their relationship, and it can cause the “innocent” person to lose interest in becoming intimate with the cheating spouse if the adultery is revealed.
Sexual aversion : Sexual aversion, or “a loss of sexual appetite,” refers to a lack of sexual enthusiasm caused by aging, past abuse, incompatible sexual orientations between couples, or merely one spouse declining sexual interest in the spouse
Sexual disorder: Sexual disorder or difficulty at any point of the sexual act can involve severe “vaginismus” or erectile dysfunction, as well as a loss of sensations, appetite, or willingness to reach pleasure as a side effect of medicine or illicit drugs. Certain antidepressant medications, such as SSRIs, may impair the ability to have an erection or have an orgasm. Sexless relationships may be the result of postpartum complications and hormone imbalances, or they may be the result of disease affecting either or both spouses’ physical or psychological sexuality (e.g., clinical depression of one or both partners). Certain endocrine therapies, such as androgen blockers, are used to cure prostate cancer in cisgender males and to suppress natal puberty in transitioning male-to-female adolescent patients.
Prolonged marital tension: Certain types of prolonged marital tension may result in a state of persistent aggression, preventing or impeding sexual expression. Typically, the partner who acts passively aggressively is the one who prevents physical contact in retaliation for any imagined or actual insult earned from the other. Partners then experience disappointment as a result of their partner’s alleged denial of sexual contact. Loneliness, frustration, and a decline in self-esteem are all natural responses for someone who has had their sexual human desires frustrated by a partner’s voluntary rejection.
Marriage of convenience: Certain spouses may marry solely for legal or tax purposes, resulting in what is colloquially referred to as a marriage of convenience. For instance, in the United States, a partner who is married to a citizen or permanent resident is eligible for a Green Card. Another justification for a “marriage of convenience” is the lavender marriage, which covers up either or both partners’ homosexual or bisexual identity.
Habituation: Additionally, habituation may be a consideration. Intercourse frequency tends to decrease over time, especially after few years of marriage. Sex occurs between the partners in the same manner every time. Novelty and interest is automatically lost, and routine will take over.
A marriage can also be sexless if either or both spouses are asexual or if the pair voluntarily decides to abstain from sexual activity for religious reasons, to prevent sexually transmitting infections, to provide a platonic foundation for the partnership, or to avoid pregnancy.
Additional explanations for sexless marriages include dissatisfaction within the relationship as a result of a disparity in roles and obligations (moral, spiritual, and religious); and incompatible cultural, spiritual, moral, and behavioral beliefs.
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Effects Of Sexless Marriage?
Absence of sex in a marriage is a significant matter, because the more it persists, the more harm is done. I’d like to demonstrate some of the consequences of a lack of sex in a marriage in this section.
1) Cheating:-
There are many explanations why people cheat; but, one of them is a lack of sex in a marriage. When you question a cheater, you can discover that they really adore their mate, but cheated because they can’t survive without women.
While there is no excuse to cheat on your wife, especially when considering the consequences for your union, when he or she is not receiving the pleasure sought in intimacy, infidelity is inevitable.
That is why you can expedite the process of resolving your dull marriage sex.
2) Loss of relationship:- When sex is lost in a partnership, it may result in disconnection, breakup, and ultimately divorce. I’ve seen relationships disintegrate because the male sex organ is too small; imagine what happens when there is no sex at all.
While several couples say that a lack of sex was not the explanation for their breakup, 33% of them have stated that they desired to end their relationships due to sex issues.
3) Self Esteem lowered:-
When sex is eliminated from a relationship, one person usually feels less desired, unloved, and rejected. It makes them feel worthless and has a major impact on their self-esteem.
4) Feeling failed:-
Many couples felt that a marriage cannot function without sex. To some degree, this is valid, however many marriages have endured without sex as well. However, when individuals believe this and refuse to fulfill their sexual commitments towards their mate, they experience a sense of failure. However, they should understand that marriage could flourish without sex as well.
5) Depression and Anger
When severe lovers of sex are unable to obtain or give sex in the manner they want from their marriage or spouse, they experience emotional depression, yet physically express their frustration toward their spouses.
6) You feel trapped:-
Occasionally, after delving deeply into a relationship and realizing sex is suddenly missing, and you know you value your wife and do not want your marriage to fail, you might feel trapped with no idea what to do next.
Now that you understand the causes of a shortage of sex in a marriage and how it impacts a partnership, let’s look at what you might do to repair your marriage.
Sexless Marriage Effect On Home
The effect of sexless marriage on home cannot be over emphasized. In the next few paragraphs I will try to analyze each effect and examine the impact. Remember its ‘sexless marriage effect on home’
Wandering thoughts
Couples that spend time together are more content than those who do not, and it does not have to be anything extraordinary. Numerous studies demonstrate that anything from co-washing dishes to a nice date night will increase pleasure and reduce tension. And, beyond a doubt, sex leads to pleasure.
Additionally, studies indicate that the oxytocin produced after sex contributes to feelings of monogamy – especially in men.
When you are not emotionally or sexually fulfilled in your marriage, you may consider seeking happiness elsewhere. This could make you feel bad or, worse, encourage you to act on your impulse to cheat, potentially ruining your relationship.
You Develop a Proclivity for Irritation
Irritation is another long time effect of sexless marriage on home. Sexual pleasure is associated with an increase in emotional intimacy in couples. The more content you are in bed, the more connected you feel to your mate. Without this intimacy, you can feel yourself growing apart or being irritable with one another.
Since oxytocin promotes relaxation and reduces tension, a deficiency of this love hormone may have the opposite effect. When your emotional wellbeing and marital satisfaction deteriorate, you may find yourself being irritated with your partner over trivial matters. Arguments get more common, and you can develop an aversion of being in the same space as them.
Intimacy Deficit Affects the Emotional Connection
Is it normal for your sexual life to suffer a setback? True and false. According to research, partners in their later years (ages 70–86) are more likely to choose relational intimacy over sexual intimacy as they mature. However, the same findings show that midlife couples (ages 50–69) often experience anxiety as a result of shifts in their sexual lives.
Thus, when you age, your sexual life is certain to evolve and experience ebbs and flows. However, abstaining from sex entirely or getting sex only once a month is certain to cause issues with your relationships and in your mental wellbeing. Rather than prioritizing the interpersonal bond, you can feel as if you are drifting apart.
Resentment
When you are not physically intimate with your partner on a regular basis, anger will develop. You might begin to ask if your partner is unconcerned with your sexual fulfillment. More specifically, you tend to ask if they are abandoning your romantic attachment or ignoring the tremendous advantages that sex provides to your union.
If you and your partner have explored your sexual lives extensively and your spouse does not want to want to alter or talk with their resistance to intimacy, you will feel disappointed, upset, and angry.
If a loss of affection is leading you to consider straying, you might also begin to blame your partner for causing you to feel the urge to seek happiness or acceptance beyond your union.
How to fix a Sexless Marriage
Are you saying sexless marriage is killing you? There is no need to be hopeless. Even if sexless marriage is killing you, you do not need to die: it is possible to fix a sexless marriage!
Here are some things to know and do if truly you want to fix that sexless marriage.
Understand the underlying cause
It is important to attempt to grasp the root causes of the lack of sex before attempting to remedy it. There could be an explanation for your increased need for intimacy and your wife’s withholding of sex. It is the first thing you can do.
According to Michael Moore, a licensed marriage counselor, “the popular stereotype of a husband desiring more intimacy and a wife refusing is reaching myth status.” What he is suggesting is that determining the trigger is critical to resolving the issue.
Naturally, there may be a hormone problem in males or a hormone deficiency, which may be unpleasant, in women.
The first move is to ascertain the cause, which puts you on the right track to resolving the problem.
The next move would be to discuss it with your wife. It is also important that you determine the right moment to speak with your spouse in order to determine how to resolve the issue.
Understand the specific need of your relationship:-
You should be aware that relationships evolve over time. There will be years when all seems to be well, but also where everything seems to be wrong. However, you can never forget to reassess your spouses’ mental and physical needs.
Additionally, it is important to avoid letting the partner’s previous issues get in the way. Put an end to punishing him for what was said or said in the past, particularly after you have discussed it.
Things have changed, and none of you is the person you were before you married. Accept new changes and seek to introduce new ideas to strengthen the partnership. When you encourage yourself to improve, your marriage and sex life will follow suit.
Your genital organ is not the only tool of sex you have, you can still live above erectile dysfunction.-
According to Laurel Steinberg, a psychotherapist in New York, “erectile dysfunctions such as premature ejaculations or a loss of vaginal lubrication often leave couples fearful of having intercourse.” The explanation for this is that they do not want to disappoint their partner sexually or have an unpleasant sexual encounter.
To address concerns of insufficient sex, the pair can attempt to alter their mentality and recognize that the body does not necessarily function precisely as the mind wishes.
Additionally, Laurel believes that partners should always strive to broaden their perspectives about what constitutes quality sex.
Additionally, lovers must realize that there are other options to physically pleasure one another without utilizing the sex organ, including your hand and other areas of the anatomy.
If you see those as sex instruments as well, you can avoid relying solely on sex to please your mate. Recognize that sexless marriage occurs and has impacted a large number of marriages, but it is not the end of the world.
Recognize any animosity you might have against sexuality, and then take turns initiating intercourse: If you hear “no, not tonight, honey” often enough, frustration and guilt regarding your appetite are certain to mount – and the resentment often seeps through other aspects of your partnership and life. When this occurs, Moushumi Ghose, a Los Angeles-based sex educator, urges the refusing partner to understand that the ball has shifted to them to initiate intimacy.
Once the pair has reintroduced the tradition of recognizing one another’s desires, Ghose instructs them to alternate initiating intercourse. “When couples do this, it relieves strain on the one who is always wondering,” she said.
Schedule sex: You arrange playdates with your children, doctor’s appointments, and acupuncture sessions. Michael Aaron, a New York City-based relationship educator, urges partners who are trapped in passionless relationships to plan in sex as well.
“This entails not just time blocking, but also meticulous preparation,” he said. “Creating high-quality events needs foresight and strategy, all the way down to individual sex activities being negotiated. I always have couples develop sex menus from which they can select depending on their desires. It is self-evident that people tend to do some of what makes them feel comfortable.”
Acquire the ability to get around sexual dysfunction.
Sexual dysfunction (erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or a loss of vaginal lubrication, for example) often causes couples to be fearful of initiating intercourse, according to Laurel Steinberg, a psychotherapist in Great Neck, New York.
“They are afraid of getting subpar sexual encounters or of disappointing their mates,” she said. “Couples actually ought to change their perspective and accept that the body cannot always behave as the mind wishes.”
Steinberg added that it’s often beneficial for partners to broaden their understanding of what constitutes quality sex.
“Couples must understand that there are an unlimited number of ways to delight a lover that do not include an erect penis or vaginal penetration,” she said. “When both forms of sexual contact are perceived as similarly valuable, couples will shift gears and pull out another trick.”
Disconnect from your mind and reconnect with your body.
When you’ve been in your mind all day due to work, it can be difficult to reconnect with your body and engage with your spouse’s sexual force. Kristin Zeising, a sex educator in San Diego, California, advises lovers to continue tuning into their bodies and becoming hyper-aware of their partners’ implicit sexual signals.
“Use candles, romantic songs, or massage oil to arouse your senses and calm your mind,” she advised. “If your minds begin about wander to what your children are doing or a job deadline, remind yourself that you deserve to be just where you are. You will get the most value from your partner’s contact if you are present in your body and not trapped in your brain.”
Put an end to your orgasm worries.
Ghose wants to tell couples who are worried about the status of their sex lives that getting an orgasm is not the be-all and end-all of sex.”If orgasm occurs, that’s fantastic — that’s the cherry on top,” she added. “However, intimacy may even be as easy as a lengthy naked make-out session, some time in the water together, or even a massage. Encouraging alternative forms of communication that are less daunting and less stressful will help the pair reintroduce themselves to great sex.”
Communicate with each other
Is it possible for a sexless union to survive? Yes, but only if you communicate with the one entity who will best assist you in changing your circumstances: your wife. Have you discussed this with them? Are they still dissatisfied with your infrequent intimacy? Or have you remained silent, allowing your bitterness to fester and thus eroding every chance of rekindling your passion?
Your verbal and emotional intimacy was probably absent, which contributed to your sexless union. Is there anything that has harmed your capacity to communicate easily with one another like you once did? Is it something extreme, such as infidelity, or are you both adjusting to new jobs or home stresses?
Commit to standing up and inquiring about their thoughts and feelings about the case. It’s terrifying to wade into this territory with them, however important. When you and your partner are willing to engage on a mental and emotional level, you can therefore have a stronger physical bond, but find a way to approach the problem favorably and devise a solution to step ahead together.
Focus on your relationship
Working together to go from surviving a sexless marriage without adultery to fixing it is a crucial development, but your work isn’t done yet. It’s crucial to keep in mind that the relationship evolves over time. You will have days when you are physically closer to your partner and days when you need distance, depending on the circumstances and stressors of your life. The key is to keep reassessing your physical and emotional needs as a caring family and make appropriate changes.
It’s critical to stop rehashing old stories and to let go of previous mistakes! Don’t want to punish your mate for something you’ve already shared, and don’t hold on to restricting ideas for yourself, either.
Since you’ve both matured and changed, you’re not the same people you were when you first met. This isn’t always a negative thing. A sexless marriage can succeed, but a stable, happy marriage welcomes progress and is always innovating. What your love life need at the start is not the same as what it requires now. You will restore and maintain sexual satisfaction throughout your marriage as long as you are willing to talk freely and frankly with your partner.
When To Walk Away From Sexless Marriage
When considering whether to apply for divorce and walk away from sexless marriage, the first thing to consider is whether your companion is valuable to you. If your partner is precious to you, both of you will soon discover a way out of the nonsexual partnership case and the question “when to walk away from sexless marriage” may not even arise.
However, you must keep in mind that significant choices cannot be taken without first holding a sequence of in-depth discussions with your partner. You and your partner should address the underlying reasons for the lack of sex in your partnership before deciding to end it. Indeed, certain partners will coexist with a lack of affection without it constituting a cause for divorce.
If your spouse is unable to communicate or communicates but nothing changes, you should focus with yourself instead. According to psychologists, having at least one partner in counseling is often appropriate. Whether you are able to resolve at least some of your problems, this will ultimately rub off on your relationship as well. It can also motivate them to address their own problems and avert the risks of a sexless marriage.
The reality is that the majority of problems that couples encounter are resolvable by communication, counseling, and seeking the appropriate assistance. What matters now is that problems are addressed and ultimately you may not need to walk away from that sexless marriage